“Let’s have an adventure,” I said. “Let’s hire a car and explore somewhere hot,” I said. I turned my nose up at somewhere safe and familiar… I shook my head at the all inclusive hotel deals or the easy option of flying back to our old haunts in Cyprus. It may have been a mistake…

It wasn’t a promising start when we were handed the wrong seats at check-in… no extra leg room for those very long legs that march ahead of me through airport corridors! On arrival in Malta we wound our way through the babble of travel weary tourists and found a crowd was gathering round a big screen near the entrance. A man had his head in his hands, I paused to see what was happening. “It’s penalties… they’ve gone to penalties… it’s not good” he said. We walked on to the hire car desk, I couldn’t see it ending well either.

Some minutes later there were cheers and then more cheers as England had won their match against Colombia – at least something good had happened. Meanwhile, we’d just discovered we were being charged an extra 50 euros for arriving after 10pm to pick up the car – a fee that hadn’t been on the bill we’d paid. There were no signs to the hire car pick up point. Twenty minutes later we found it… only to discover the car we’d booked wasn’t available. But here was a very scratched ugly one instead! (If you don’t like it get a bus… they said!)

What else could go wrong? Plenty.

Road works around the ancient city of Valletta left us going in circles at midnight on a diversion loop to nowhere. After debating if we were legally parked and then hauling our bags up mountains of steps, we finally found our hotel and breathed a sigh of relief at the door. A loud bang signalled items falling onto tiles from a rucksack… never mind, we’re here now. Little did we know.
The next morning the crack was visible right across the ipad screen. Let’s just add that little straw onto the camel’s back.

The holiday wasn’t ALL disasters. It was punctuated by an enjoyable day in the city, lunch with friends and a dip in the sea. The remainder of our time was spent on the tiny island of Gozo. We had packed our snorkels and were looking forward to exploring those crystal waters – described as a haven for divers. This caused a little confusion at the ferry, when I urged the driver down a lane which I thought was labelled ‘drivers’…. Turned out to be for ‘divers’. Not what I was expecting.

The next day it was very windy, so snorkelling was out. We went to see the much publicised stone arch over a deep blue pool. Unfortunately the arch had fallen into the sea a couple of years earlier.. hey ho! We took a photo of where it used to be.

The sea eventually calmed enough for us to snorkel and we had been enjoying at least 10 minutes of the fresh clear waters in a pretty cliff lined bay… when ouch! Jellyfish sting. They really do. We both headed straight for the nearest steps in the cliff and helpful lifeguards sprayed vinegar on the large white lumps that had started to appear on someone else’s arm and chest. My hand was a little tingly too, so I got them to spray it as well… just in case.

While the stinging continued and the turquoise water looked more threatening than inviting, we drank beer and watched England win their next match, which helped take the sting out the day.

For the final couple of days we had to give up on the snorkelling, as jelly fish floated ominously just below the surface everywhere we looked. We enjoyed the hotel pool and plenty of reading and sunbathing and it was almost over. We’d tried to overlook the fan that didn’t work or the bedside light that wouldn’t turn on… but no wi fi in the room was yet another straw. The final one was just around the corner.

When we drew up at the car hire drop off we found a man with a clipboard examining the car who told us there were two or three small scratches not marked on the document we’d signed. These little marks were in addition to the recorded scratches all along the other side and at the front and rear! We knew we hadn’t caused the extra marks… but this would now cost us almost 1,000 euros. I won’t go into what was said and done, but there it was. The Final Straw.

Advice: Think twice about hiring a car through Goldcar – and never do it on Malta. We’ve since read the reviews!
As someone has repeatedly said all through the journey home… “We should have gone to Cyprus.” He’s probably right.

Oh, and to round things off nicely England lost and football isn’t ‘coming home’ – just us!