Friday night found me caught as a stowaway between the set of ‘Hornblower’ and ‘Master & Commander’.
If I told you Lord Nelson’s body was ‘pickled’, in order to preserve it on the way back to England after the Battle of Trafalgar, would you believe me? Until Friday night I was swallowing this story hook line and sinker, as we set out for our first Royal Navy dinner, named ‘Pickle Night.’ Stepping on board at the start of the evening and enjoying a drink on the poop deck, or something like that, I realised we had set sail on HM Pickle. The occasion was the 208th anniversary of HM Schooner Pickle’s return to England with the news of victory at the Battle of Trafalgar.

I had thought there were lots of rules and regulations at Army dinners, but this was a whole new league and language. There was a list of ‘orders’ to be complied with, and we were told failure to do so would result in ‘punishments’. There were white uniformed sailors with gold, bling, buttons and medals at every corner. We were allocated to a table and I could almost feel the boat rocking as we sat down surrounded by the ‘sea’ on all sides, while rushes of Hornblower played on a massive window screen at our backs, we looked out on the Battle of Trafalgar through the stern windows of the boat. Russell Crowe, alias a Naval bigwig, sat at the top table in front of the square-paned panel of windows and according to the ‘orders’ on our table – those seated at the top table can do no wrong! So, we kept an eye out in that direction.

You know you’re at a Navy dinner when the evening starts with a song. This was one I knew – What shall we do with the drunken sailor? – but rather than being judged on musicality, the competition was for port and starboard sides of the room/boat to make the loudest sound…yes, it was going to be one of those evenings. I soon discovered the man on my left was ‘a beer monkey’ and it was his job to make sure the drinks on our table kept flowing, so he frequently jumped up into the middle of the room to fill a jug with beer from the barrels on tap. He was the only one allowed to move off the table without permission. First problem of the night – what about the toilets? I started to slow down on the drinking, but it was a relief that before long Russell Crowe announced – ‘ease springs’. At first I thought this was something to do with the tides – neaps and springs and that kind of thing – but when everyone began to push back their chairs and head rapidly in the direction of the toilets, I realised it was Navy speak for ‘loo break.’ Easy when you know how.

There was plenty of lingo to keep up with all evening – including an introduction to the contribution the Navy has made to the English language. Instead of a table mat, we all had big square wooden trays in front of us, which held our plates and glasses. This is what sailors would have eaten off on board in Nelson’s day – the sides obviously stopped the food and drink spilling everywhere when the boat was tipping. It was also the origin of the term – a square meal. The menu was a mine of information and I learned the origins of terms like ‘pipe down’, ‘loose cannon’ and ‘loaf’. The last one is a particular favourite and means ‘the idea of not doing any work whilst giving the appearance of beavering away.’ Something to perfect for the future. There were also plenty of rules that could be easily broken, such as taking a sip of port before the Queen was toasted. Can’t remember if I did, but at least no-one saw me. I was shocked though, that the Navy chaps remained seated when we all stood to toast the Queen…apparently this is what they do on board ships, but seems a very shoddy habit to me.

Everything boaty was in abundance and while oars and anchors served as decorations, our pudding was a chocolate boat filled with rum and raison ice cream. Then we came to the rum. Rum rations, I believe were abandoned in the Navy some time ago, but on this particular evening it served as a kind of discipline. After we had learned all we would ever need to know about the Battle of Trafalgar, cheering each time the name of Nelson was mentioned, so it took some time, there was the list of culprits and their misdemeanours to be read out and dealt with. Punishment took the form of ‘knocking back’ a considerable shot of rum and your crime could be anything from just being an army captain – that is, impersonating a naval officer – to having a French sounding name. I did think that was quite funny. All good things have to come to an end and so the evening did – earlier for some than others. But what of Nelson being ‘pickled’? I don’t think so, Pickle Night, was all about the Pickle vessel and nothing to do with transporting and preserving a dead sea lord, which was quite a relief. So whoever started that rumour please stop it, I’ve been having nightmares ever since.